This is part two of a long excerpt from my journal. It’s not necessary to read part one, but I guess it gives more context.

Recommended listen for this piece: I’m listening to a lot of Geese and Cameron Winter stuff, really falling in love with their minds and completely addicted to them. I’ll be listening to it while writing this and putting some lyrics of their in the middle of it (also because the text is really long, you deserve a breather). The lyrics won’t really have anything to do with the text, I think, but they are all things I relate to, heavily. Highly recommend all the songs I put here. The name of the song will be below it.

Today, about a week after my weekend with a friend, I had a doctor’s appointment. My grandmother told me she wanted to go with me. I usually decline; she is old and bringing her means taking care and worrying about her in ways I sometimes feel like it’s best for her to be at home. But she doesn’t like to feel like an invalid, and I wouldn’t lie: I love her company, even when she stresses me out.

My mother used to take me to doctor’s appointments back then. We would spend the whole day at the hospital, just waiting for my name to be called. I remember that even though that was tedious, I just loved having my mom there to take care of me. Even at a young age, I remember thinking how I probably would miss my mom taking me to the doctor and doing the talking for me and understanding the doctor’s words for me. I know, it’s probably the third red flag in this text, but don’t worry, we have a bit more time for others to come.

While we were waiting for my name to be called by the doctor, I kept looking at her when she wasn’t looking. I was so happy to see her there. Still there, she was still here with me. I knew that was a privileged view. I could sense my future self missing her, and missing her at that moment, trying to take care of me even at an older age. I was happy.

I said my goodbyes to her and left to the town center again, alone and on a week day this time. I was ACHING to buy some CDs, man, you wouldn’t get it!

When I got there, I found the DVD of a movie I would watch all the time with my siblings when we were younger: Treasure Planet.

I had to buy it; it was the DVD of my childhood. It seemed to be in perfect conditions, too. I can’t explain how many hours I spent seeing every extra of this DVD and playing the little game that comes with it and watching the movie so many times I knew all the lines in the brazilian dub…

Anyway, now to the nerd shit.

I found these two CDs for super cheap. They probably thought nobody cared for 2000’s, late 90’s Zimmerman and all his CDs from that time were cheap. Well, they don’t know what they’re losing. I’d get them all if I could, but I don’t have a lot of money with me now so I decided to buy only my favorite of his from that era. So many good songs in here it’s insane.

I was about to buy Love and Theft to make it a companion to my Time Out of Mind until I found this Simon and Garfunkel for the same price. I never listened to any of their stuff, so I was super intrigued to see one of their most talked about albums being so cheap. I decided to ditch Love and Theft and get this album from a different artist to not repeat the Marisa Monte Situation — I bought two Marisa Monte CDs and I listened to them so much I’m kind of fatigued with her a little bit (and they were also like all the CDs I had basically since I only had three). Plus, it’s nice to have an album I never listened to on physical media. I think I’ll really enjoy my time discovering their music this way.

I was so happy… You wouldn’t understand.

Even now, I remember, I can recall
Never could my hands forget her, taking it all
Teeth a-parted, eyes bianca
Eating the world from her giant paws
Lightning struck your evil hunger
Mother of pearl grow big and tall

Where would I ever be without you?
Where would I ever be without you?
Where would I ever be without you?
Where would I ever be without you?

Geese’s Tomorrow’s Crusades

There was this girl on the store that bought a bunch of DVDs. I looked at her hand and she found a fucking Hellraiser one. Where in the actual fuck did she find a Hellraiser DVD there I’ll never know, but I liked her style. She asked me if I was in the queue to pay for the CDs. I said no, even though I was, and let her pass me in line. I even hid my Treasure Planet DVD. Are you kidding me? Cool girl shopping Hellraiser and I’m there like fucking Spongebob Squarepants with Treasure Planet on my hands? No. Look at the Dylan, baby. 90’s Dylan all the way.

As soon as I left, I saw how the town center moved filled with people now. It was so different from the desolate area it was on the weekend, it was so full of life and filled with beautiful people.

I felt happy so I decided to stop at a bookstore on the way back. It sold used books and it was filled with them, it even had a second floor.

I wasn’t that interested on buying a book at that moment since I had just lost my money to the Zimmerman’s shenanigans, so I just looked around. When I went up the stairs to the second floor, a cat walked in my direction. I smiled and sent him a kiss. He made a turn and was going directly to my side now. I couldn’t believe it. Then he pressed his body on my leg as he walked past me. I was so happy. I wish I could bring him home. I wish I could promise to treat him well, but maybe I can’t promise that. My dog, at the end of the day, died a lonely life. I miss her, wondering if there was some kind of love I could give her so she would understand she will never leave my mind.

On the way out, the cat was standing at the counter by the door. He looked at me in such a serious and polite way. I smiled. I think I love him.

I’ve been hit by the bus of love
That falling brick of you
Baby, when there’s tears in your eyes
You don’t have to lie
You don’t need to hide from me
I don’t want you to say anything

I see myself in you
I see myself in you
I see myself in you

You cut me like a deck of cards
You broke for the fire escape
Baby, we’re running out of time
I can be that guy
Who you cower behind
I don’t want you to say anything

I see myself in you
I see myself in you
I see myself in you

Geese’s I See Myself

I decided to get poorer and give a present to my grandmother, thanking her for being with me earlier that day, so I stopped at a fast food restaurant she loves to get something for us with my own pennies.

It’s a middle eastern fast food restaurant. It’s called Habib’s. I love them so much. They were one of the only tasty things to eat on the island I live back in the day, so we would always order from them on special ocasions. My mom, my grandmother, my father and my siblings, they would all order something and they all loved eating there. I could say I love it just because of the memories, but I just love them, I don’t know.

Do I sound like I was paid to say this? I wasn’t. I’m sorry. It’s a weird childhood thing.

On my way to the restaurant a guy said to me “Where you’re going?”

I was confused, so I said “Habib’s”.

He said “No, where are you going with all that beauty?”

I laughed, and still midly confused I just said “Habib’s” and kept walking. I could only think of those sfihas, man.

I think I thanked him. I don’t know.

I bought about ten of them and two donuts and got out of there. The cruel thing about these nasty devil treats is that they smell so great anyone knows you have them with you when you carry them.

Why am I making free publicity to them again? Fuck them.

You left me promising your shoes
I need, I need your feet more than you do
I need somebody sent down from the sun
That talks to me how you used to

(…)

You better start a-walking babe
Love takes miles
You better start a-walking babe
Love takes miles

Cameron Winter’s Love Takes Miles

On my way to the bus stop a few kids — those that usually ask for money for people passing buy — stopped me to ask if I could buy their candy. I said no. Then, they asked me if I could give them one sfiha. I had to refuse. I felt bad in my gluttonous greed, I felt sorry.

At the bus stop, there were a few people waiting for the bus that just didn’t want to come. I was still holding this box with my sfihas when a young lady came with her child. They were poorly dressed and their hair wasn’t groomed, and she was carrying a diaper she just bought in one of her hands. I’m pretty sure that kid wasn’t small enough to use diapers, so I guess she had an even smaller child.

I wished I could do something about her. Maybe give a sfiha to her? That would be a terrible pity, she would not like that. She was just waiting on the bus, she wasn’t asking for anyone’s money. I wish someone could be done for her situation. I wish I could see her and the child grow and get somewhere in life where you’re happy without even knowing why. Seeing them grow. Do you think they grow with the world? Do they age with the world or does the world just get younger and faster, leaving them behind? Will there be a time of wait in the parking of this carwreck of a society, to leave behind the happiness of the soil for a few hours of rain on a hill? And does that rain come down to destroy the houses below in that so common landslide, to leave the city of the rain to the reigns of the high?

She seemed to love her kid a lot. That’s all that matters. Don’t fall for ugly pity disguised in loving clothes.

Making oceans hours move slow
Rivers are endless, I see them through
I suffer on with you, I suffer on with you
Five cold years pass like light
I remember you will know love
I am on my way to you, I am Saint Joseph
I will call your name
And I will lift you from the night
You’ve been silent all your life
You’ve been whispering your goodbyes

You can’t stay here in my arms
Your soldiers, they mean you harm

Geese’s Domoto

The rest of the day was uneventful. I was so happy I was home and could do anything with my day that I ended up not doing anything. But I did spend some time with my grandma, and we had some talks while my sister is away to her boyfriend’s house for the weekend.

I don’t know if you paid attention to the Geese/Winter lyrics, but they talk a bit about love sometimes. I guess we should talk a bit about love before we die in this night.

I won’t do one more hour honey, I can’t fight the rain
Please baby, I need you and your hammer
Won’t you break my chain, yeah

You know I feel you, but I can’t feel your pain
The kind of hurt only the years can take away
Are you real? Is it torture?
Do they stay forever, all the motionless days?

Geese’s Gravity Blues

Love is a dangerous topic, so tender. To be honest, I felt kind of sick talking about love for so long in here, especially such a distant kind. You feel lost, like you’re talking to nobody.

What is the love that does not sleep, that corrodes the land it creates with the spit from its mouth, eating the world inside like the worm to the apple? How beautiful the sound of the falling fingers and the falling hairs and the screaming inside, and the fullfilling of an ever-emptied husk, drawed to a name like a hunter, like a tiger.

But where do I foot? Where does the hand, where do I head, from where am I?

I don’t know.

I think of names, sometimes. Words fascinate me, especially when you combine them in weird ways. But names… Do you ever stop and think about them?

Why is a thing called that thing? Do things need to be called something?

Can’t we just wander around, naked in the worried land, dancing in the barren land, green like a prostitute’s sun to the mouth? Can’t we smoke from inside the lungs, carrying the bitterness of the heart of the land in a closed space?

Do you get what I’m saying? I don’t think you do. You’re probably waiting for me to say something you can understand, but I can’t do that. I already said so much about so little. We’re so beautiful, hiding.

He may say that our love
He may say that our love
He may say that our love
Was only half real

He may say that real love
He may say that real love
He may say real love
Is a nail in the wall
And that’s how a lot of assholes feel
But that’s not how I feel at all

(…)

I’ve got half a mind
I’ve got half a mind
I’ve got half a mind
To just pay for the lobotomy
And tell ‘em, “Get rid of the bad times
And get rid of the good times too
I’ve got no more thinking to do”

They may say that our love
Was only half real
But that’s only half true

Geese’s Half Real

It is quiet to sleep in the arms of a night, knowing my place in the mattress is set, but still turning and turning in place to try and get the perfect, comfortable way to sleep.

I wish you could see me, flying off in my own mind on this day. How happy I was, alone. I am proud. I guess I am learning how to be alone, thanks to the lovely people that make me company. To the early and late, my heart. I hope to stay long enough so I can finally make something that makes sense, and that you see the reflection of your love all over it, for you’re the reason I’m still kicking.

You can stay with me
Baby, you can stay with me and nobody would care
You can stay with me
You can stay with me and just pretend I’m not there

Like a sailor in a big green boat
Like a sailor in a big green coat
You can be free
You can be free and still come home
It’s alright
I’m alright

Geese’s Au Pays du Cocaine

About the text: Two pretty long excerpts since I left you guys alone for a week or so. While I’m still setting up things to keep Nightporter flowing, I’ll be publishing these bits when they come to me.

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